On Turning Twenty
During my childhood, I had a burning desire to be older. I wanted to be able to stay up late, and drink soda whenever I wished, and watch PG-13 movies. Now, having stepped through the doorway between that precarious time known as the "teens" and the possibility filled "twentysomethings," I find myself wishing that I could somehow treat time like a VCR (oh dear, I'm showing my age, who uses VCRs anymore); rewinding, pausing, taking it slow. Now that I'm leaving behind the last vestiges of childhood and taking the big step into my twenties, I don't want to be older. I don't want to be five years older than the Harry Potter kids, or attending my little brother's high school graduation at the end of this year, or remembering middle schoolers when they were in first grade, or even worse, when they were born.
I'm just around the corner from being "grown up." I have a car, and insurance, responsibility, important life-changing decisions to make. Since when was I old and mature enough to even contemplate making a decision past what I want to wear to school that day (and I'm sure most people would question my ability to do that). I guess I'm saying that I'm not ready for this. My brother just got a job for when he graduates from college in a few months. A real job, a grown-up job. A job where you go to work and your name is on a piece of plastic Velcroed to the side of your cubicle next to the gap in the wall which constitutes a door. Once that happened I realized that in two years I'd better be thinking about getting one of those name plates with the Velcro on the back. And then I realized that I have no idea what I want to do with my life, a rather sizable obstacle which must be overcome prior to obtaining the Velcro laden plastic nameplate.
Moving up to school this year was something I have dreaded all summer for a variety of reasons. Near the top of this list is the prospect of having to figure out my whole life in the next semester (or at least getting some semblance of an idea of what I want to do). All of a sudden, pressure reared its ugly head, and I was struck by the reality that I won't be in college forever and I've got to take some major responsibility much sooner than I wanted. What all this boils down to is that I'm very afraid. There are so many things that I will be facing in the near future which might determine the course of the rest of my life. Should I stick with theatre, or drop it completely? Do I want to try my hand at writing as a major? Can I take the criticism if I do? What am I going to do with English Literature anyway? Teach? Teach what? Middle schoolers? Even the smart kids are holy terrors at that age. And the drama, I just couldn't take the drama. I guess I thought that if I just stayed home, time would freeze and I could stay in the summer of 2005 for as long as I wanted, I could have more time to make decisions about my life.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
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2 comments:
isn't it funny how when we're young, we want those things (like soda and candy whenever we want, to watch grown up movies, and to not have someone MAKING us do homework) but when we get older, we're left on our own to create our own restrictions. We finally have the freedom we craved. . . but now, Gosh Darn It, we're old enough to know that those restrictions we had as a kid were (mostly) a good thing and sometimes, we even wish someone would impose a few more rules on us just because we're so darn bad at regulating ourselves.
--Random thoughts by Amy
PS: I don't think anyone is ever ready to grow up or be responsible. Part of the process it having that shoved in your lap and being forced to learn how to handle these new responsibilities.
You could be like some of my friends who are in their 6th year of undergrad . . . ;-)
Seriously though, just like God directed which mission trip He wanted you to go on this summer, He will direct you in these big decisions too. Not saying it'll be easy or that sometimes it will even seem clear, but know that He's there and He's guiding you even if you don't see it.
Personally, I'd go for a career path that doesn't involve the velcro laden plastic name tags, but hey. :)
I love you, Laura. I'll be praying for you about these decisions because even though God's guiding, they're still tough decisions to make and saying that doesn't make it much easier.
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