A Jonas Day

Perhaps it is just one of life's cruelties that at the moment my confidence begins to grow something enters the equation to overshadow the faintest glimmer of self-assurance. For the last few days, I've been riding a wave of naive positivity after my post observation conference in which the Boss-lady told me that both she and the Grand Poobah are happy with my performance thus far. Today that wave broke and I again find myself floundering in a sea of confusion, frustration, and stress. I basically messed up on the paperwork, and the messing up thereof requires a large amount of time consuming work to fix. Right now, time is at a premium since I have four classes worth of journals to grade before Friday when grades are due, a set to build and a play to rehearse.

I'm so tired of messing up. It seems that every few weeks I have another small crisis and I find myself in the Captain's Chair in the band room (don't ask me why it's called the Captain's Chair, I have no idea) asking the Seasoned Veteran how to dig myself out of this pile of whatsit I have landed myself in again. I tend to beat myself up over mistakes, and every time I make one of these big mistakes, I end up spending at least a few days completely drained from the mental beating I've given myself. Although I am reminded quite regularly that this is my first year, and I can't be expected to know how to do everything, I have this irrational expectation that I'll know it anyway. My crazy chem teacher in high school used to say I have a neurosis; I'm beginning to think he was right.

I am so exhausted in so many ways. Spring break is a few days away, but it too will be filled with work. Here's to hoping that it gets easier.