[Insert Witty and Alliterative Title Here]

So, I obviously haven't been writing much on here lately. I think it's a combination of school starting back up, then Vision '13, then the fall show starting up (The Foreigner, November 5, 6, 7 @ 7pm, November 8 @ 2:30), and online reading courses starting up--not learning to read, I know how to do that, learning to teach reading. Next week I begin my ESOL course, which, sadly isn't online, so I loose another two evenings out of my week.

Anyway, life has been busy, but good for the most part. There are, as always, the normal complaints about teaching and working in general, but I think I'm okay with that garbage. Sadly, getting okay means that I feel like I'm falling into a rut. Oh, the ever dreaded rut. Ruts are bad. Ruts are what make me feel like I need to get out of said rut. Ruts are indicative of discontent.

Basically, I'm going through a quarter life crisis.

I was at a meeting for area drama teachers a few weeks ago, and I sat there looking at the faces around the table wondering, "Is this my life in 10 years? Really?" What happened to doing something adventurous? Now, I know on the grand scale of things, my job is pretty sweet. I get nice long summers, and two weeks at Christmas, and a week for Thanksgiving, and Spring Break and I don't have to clean toilets. And don't get me wrong, I love my students. Sometimes I catch myself imagining what the program will look like in two or three years when my freshmen are upperclassmen, and they know how I roll. And then I imagine the dark circles under my eyes and the slight hint of madness etched on my face. I don't know if I'm that resilient.

Hi. You May Not Remember Me. I'm Laura. I Write This Blog

I've started writing a blog post no less than four times in the last month, but each time I got about three sentences into it and realized that I was whining (again), when I really had nothing to whine about. The things about which I complained were petty at best, things that I deal with every...single...day. So I didn't feel like I should whine about them, because that would only encourage this habit of whining about silly things (like having Memorial Day right before the end of school. I have my reasons, but why am I whining about a three day weekend?).

To be honest, my life has been pretty comfortable for the last month since Guys and Dolls ended. Happy, comfortable growth. This has been a semester for personal victories. Here are a few:

1. I stood up to someone who I would have let run me over a year ago.
2. I directed a musical, and it was okay. Not great, I dare not even say good, but we got through it, and the kids--and maybe me, too--had fun.
3. I got my guitar string callouses back. And a new guitar. It sounds pretty.
4. I got over my fear of calling parents. I think they're more afraid of me than I am of them. I still don't like it, but I'll do it. One area that needs growth: sounding like an adult. I called a parent and they asked me three times if I was the teacher. Maybe it's my youthful enthusiasm. Or sarcasm. Just kidding.
5. I get to keep my job. Not an area of personal growth, but I think it speaks to my growth over the last year and a half, so I feel justified including it in this list. Yeah, I'm pretty stoked about that.

Riding the Wave

My feelings about my job go in waves. Some days I think it's the best job in the world, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Some time when I'm having one of those days I'll post about it. Today, however, is a day of valleys. On days like today and yesterday--and lets throw in this whole week for good measure--I feel completely and totally inadequate, and that anxious feeling rises in my stomach and starts taking over. My heart beats a little faster, I get distracted, can't focus, all I want is...silence--a rare commodity in a room full of talkative teenagers.

I've never had to deal with stress like this before. I've never been responsible for this much. I've never had other people depending on me. In the past it was all on me, if I failed I paid the price, not someone else. The anxiety is not necessarily that I don't know how to do something, rather that I don't know what to do at all.

It's days like today that make me wonder what they were thinking hiring me. My guess is that the decision makers have no idea what it takes to be a Drama Director and assumed it was simple enough for a fresh college graduate who has never taught a day in her life.

Today was one of those days when the waves were fast and frequent. Nothing really horrible happened, but it was enough to kick in the fight or flight instinct. It's on days like this that I want to run.

Becoming Things

My friend from middle school had his college graduation party this evening. Many of my friends from high school and even middle school were there. I had a good time catching up with everyone, but more than anything, it was strange. Everyone looked basically the same, maybe a little older, but somewhere since high school, everyone grew up. We're all becoming something. The answer to the question, "So what are you doing these days?" is no longer, "Oh, you know, getting ready to graduate," it's "Oh, you know, working in a job related to my chosen profession." We've all become something. Teacher, missionary, wife, humanitarian aid worker, professional student.

We jumped that gap from kid to adult without even noticing it. It just kind of happened. It doesn't really feel like it for the most part. Weird.

That Feeling

There's this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm stressed and facing an important deadline whose only cure seems to be sleep. I'm a worrier, see, it's what I do. Unfortunately, the temporary relief gained from sleep wears off after I shake the sleep from my vision and realize that nothing has been accomplished. Before I know it, the real world starts invading my dreams, and I see myself on opening night running frantically around the PAC looking for props and set pieces. I hate this feeling. What's making it worse is that I don't know what to do. In college the solution was always sitting down and writing a paper, or spending hour upon hour in the drafting lab, or staying up all night doing something. This time I have to find my own solutions. New solutions. Blaze a new trail through this experience and hope to come out unscathed on the other side.

Orientation and a New Computer

Once again the self-imposed post quota was not met. I was so close too. But October promises to be an eventful month as I should be starting in the classroom within the next week, so the only thing to keep me from writing is busyness, or perhaps a mental breakdown.

And speaking of mental breakdowns, OCPS did their best to steer me down the path of insanity yesterday at Pre-Employment Orientation (PREO). I arrived on time, much to my surprise. Having left ten minutes behind schedule, and siting in Orlando rush hour traffic, I expected to be dashing in, breathless and confused. Instead I strolled in, and waited for them to let us in. Go me. Anyway, the morning session was entirely paperwork. Two hours of writing my name, address, phone number, social security number, signature and the date. Every so often I would actually read what I signed. Thank goodness I learned to quickly skim through documents and get the general idea in college. My favorite form was by far the drug test release form. Yes, you can study my pee, especially since my employment is contingent on the results of the drug test. Once I'd finished the substantial stack of paperwork, I went and did the drug test, got fingerprinted, and had my picture taken for my OCPS employee badge, then left for lunch.

The afternoon session was almost entirely form free, and completely exhausting. Never in my life have I had so much important information thrown at me in so little time. We had sections on payroll, health insurance, life insurance, retirement, teacher certification, OCPS general expectations, etc. They gave us this folder that has a cute collage picture on the front and scary information overload on the inside. Thankfully I have a couple of weeks to figure out insurance stuff and five months to think about my retirement plan. It's strange to think about retirement, since I haven't even started working yet.

Now that I've been hired, I decided to go ahead and get a new computer. My old Dell is on it's last leg, having spent four years in faithful service (except for that one time the hard drive died and I lost all of my pictures from Barbados). I can't say that I'm sorry to see the end of this era. Waiting a minute and a half for it to open Firefox (or any other program for that matter) has become more and more frustrating. So it is going into the computer bag forever and it's spot on my desk will be filled by a brand spanking new MacBook. Yes, I'm making the switch. And I'm pretty excited about it.

Guess What...

I got a call today from the Assistant Principal at Colonial High School offering me the job as the new drama teacher. So, I guess I'm a teacher now. When I woke up this morning, I was a college grad looking for a job. Now I'm employed and am responsible for all of the students in the drama program, as well as the theater, the dressing rooms, the power tools (oh! the power tools!)...everything. I will have more keys on my key ring than I've ever had before. Students...my students...will hear me coming my the jingle of my keys.

I bounced (literally) around the office for a good half hour today, down to the machine room, up to the verifiers cave, back to the seasonal/on-call cube. I didn't sit down for an hour. I couldn't. When I finally got my sizable butt back into my chair and the euphoria began to wear off, I got this horrible sense of fear. A man just called to tell me that they've decided to give me more responsibility than I've ever had in my life. And it's just me. I'm flying solo.

I've never directed a play before. Or designed a set. Or taught a class.

This year will be a year of firsts.

The Job Search and a Mild Obsession

I am finally getting the wheels rolling on this whole teaching thing. I spent half of this afternoon calling local high schools to see if they have open positions and had a moment or two of grinning hope coupled with several moments of mild panic when I heard receptionist after receptionist say, "No, all of our teaching positions are filled." But there remain a select few high schools that still need teachers, so I am resting on those few.

On a pseudo-whim, I called Focus on the Family to see if they had internships available for Adventures in Odyssey. This, I have to say, has been a dream of mine since childhood (hence pseudo-whim). Well, not an internship specifically, more like a job, but I will start with small steps. Some of my earliest memories are of sitting in the kitchen on a Saturday morning listening to Odyssey and playing paper football with Paul. I remember also setting the alarm on my watch so that I would remember to come inside at 3:30 or 4:30 or 5:30 (I don't remember which) every weekday afternoon to listen to the reruns. I still listen to them online at work. I got Adventures in Odyssey CD or tape sets every Christmas until my second year of college. And I actually listened to them. A lot. (Oh, parents, by the way, they have the old classics out on CD now, it's called the Gold Audio Series, I think. I want them :-). And a MacBook.) Most of the tape sets are incomplete because we listened to them so many times that they wore out, or were eaten by the tape player. I learned half of my vocabulary from Eugene Meltsener, and I know Isaiah 41:10 in some random version because that's what was on Odyssey. I know who many of the actors are (at least the old ones), and in some cases I could tell you who else they've voiced. It's a little sad, actually.

Random anecdote, I was watching some old episodes of Quantum Leap or maybe 21 Jump Street with one of my roommates and I hear this voice, and I'm thinking, I've heard this voice. So I sit there for a minute and then I realize, this guy was on Odyssey! He played Horatio Spafford on the episode, "It Is Well" (and many others I'm sure).

Honestly, I think it was Adventures in Odyssey that started my love for the theatre and performing arts in general.

Anyway, that's what I did today, other than work. I really should have written a cover letter, but I fell asleep after I got home and then ended up watching The Office Marathon on NBC, because, well, who doesn't like The Office?

Summer Project Time

Well, I'm not going to make my quota. I blame this on being gone for half of May. Oh well. Maybe I'll try to make up for it in subsequent months. Maybe. Anyway, now for what I really wanted to write about.

Every summer around the end of May students from all over the nation embark on Summer Projects to, well, everywhere. And every time I get a giant bag of checks from Such-and-Such Summer Project at work my mind flashes back to my own summer project and I grow simultaneously nostalgic and jealous. Perhaps this is enhanced realization that I, having gone and returned from my summer vacation, am not getting on a plane and going anywhere, and that I, being boring and unmotivated, am working all summer sorting checks for all the people going on summer project to exotic places. And then I'm reminded via internet and work that several of my friends are on summer project. Keith, Scott, Katie...the list continues. And while there is some consolation in the knowledge that they too have to get up in the early hours of the morning, I know that their days will be filled with something fun, exciting, and more importantly, varied, whereas mine will indubitably consist of typing, sorting, batching, more typing, breaks at 10 and 3, and lunch somewhere between 12 and 1.

Thoughts About Virginia Tech

I'm having difficulty writing about what has happened this week. There are so many things to process, and somehow I feel close to this. I've been a Hokie all my life (my cheering order: Florida State, Virginia Tech, Florida, not-Miami), and to think of tragedy striking my pastoral Virginia countryside is beyond comprehension. This kind of crap doesn't happen there, it just doesn't. Yet it has. So, here are some questions that have been running through my brain that I thought I would process through writing for my own sake.

Why would God let this happen?
I don't know. Can any of us know while we still live on this earth? Maybe not. But that is okay. I trust that God is in control and He has a plan. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" It's hard to see hope three days after something like this happens, but it will come. I remember when 9/11 happened it seemed like nothing redeeming could come out of it, but then we heard about the people who jumped the hijackers and crashed in Pennsylvania. And for the first time in my memory, the United States was truly united by something. I have no doubt that through this God will be glorified in some way. He always is.

What does that mean for colleges around the United States and the world?
Well, for one thing, Florida State University now has my cell phone number for use in case of an emergency situation like this. Other than that, I don't think much will change. Security might be tighter for a while (I saw more FSUPD Officers walking around campus on Tuesday than ever before), but eventually the caution will fade away. Most universities are set up in such a way that authorities can't monitor the comings and goings of students (and non-students). Ted Bundy was auditing classes at FSU in the weeks prior to murdering two girls in the Chi Omega house.

What good is a Candlelight Vigil when they aren't acknowledging the God who has the power to change things?
Maybe I'm being callous, but I don't see any point in standing around holding candles when there's no praying happening. The promises made by the student body president, vice president, and the university president really aren't going to amount to anything. Perhaps they are only trying to show support for Virginia Tech. I'm all for that, but instead of blowing hot air, why don't they get on their knees and pray?

How long do we have to wait until Michael Moore turns this into another anti-gun campaign?
Hopefully forever. Frankly, turning this into a political soapbox is utterly classless.

Will the VT President/VT Police Chief get fired?
I hope not, they did what they could. It's not like high school where there's a PA system. E-mail is the only way most universities can communicate with the entire student body. As I mentioned, FSU had all its students [voluntarily] register their phone numbers in case of extreme emergency so they can send text messages to everyone no matter where they are. But if it had happened to us, our administration couldn't have done much more.

Anyway, that's just a few of the things I've been thinking about in the last few days. There are many more questions that have been stewing which I may or may not write about here. But right now, I should be asleep because I have a final exam tomorrow.