Riding the Wave

My feelings about my job go in waves. Some days I think it's the best job in the world, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Some time when I'm having one of those days I'll post about it. Today, however, is a day of valleys. On days like today and yesterday--and lets throw in this whole week for good measure--I feel completely and totally inadequate, and that anxious feeling rises in my stomach and starts taking over. My heart beats a little faster, I get distracted, can't focus, all I want is...silence--a rare commodity in a room full of talkative teenagers.

I've never had to deal with stress like this before. I've never been responsible for this much. I've never had other people depending on me. In the past it was all on me, if I failed I paid the price, not someone else. The anxiety is not necessarily that I don't know how to do something, rather that I don't know what to do at all.

It's days like today that make me wonder what they were thinking hiring me. My guess is that the decision makers have no idea what it takes to be a Drama Director and assumed it was simple enough for a fresh college graduate who has never taught a day in her life.

Today was one of those days when the waves were fast and frequent. Nothing really horrible happened, but it was enough to kick in the fight or flight instinct. It's on days like this that I want to run.